Guest Post by The Photog: Life with a Fashionista - Day 5

Yes, I'm still here.  Yes, I know you've been waiting for this.  The time has finally come.

Congratulate yourself, gentlemen.  I applaud your fortitude in making it this far.  We've endured 11 hour shopping excursions.  We've surrounded yourself with other crazies fashionistas.  We've even pulled a muscle or two lugging heavy bags around.  Why in the world would we want to go any further?  Before I answer, let's recap.

Day 1 is the disruption.  In an instant, we have nothing.  No closet space.  No money.  No cupholders.
Day 2 is the agitation.  Whining from our fashionista that she has no clothes.  No money for clothes.  And wants you to buy her some clothes.
Day 3 is the recognition.  Accepting that this is how it is.  Learning the basics of their language.  Having to shop with them.  And how to keep from dying.
Day 4 is the cooperation.  Being surrounded by fashionistas.  But more importantly, putting ourselves in those situations on purpose.
Today is the capitalization.  Today is the 'why.'  Today, we take back control.  Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!!!

And so I conclude this 5-day training session on Life with a Fashionista with Day 5: Touche.

Session 1: Marketing your fashionista (formerly titled 'Pimping your ho')

I am confident all guys are born with at least one common superhero attribute - being a ninja.  And yes, I'm referring to those kung fu movie characters dressed in all black who sneak around nefariously undetected and continue speaking after their mouths have stopped moving.  Ninjas.  Why do all guys have this attribute?  Because we're awesome.  And we have Chuck Norris.  'Nuff said.  To the untrained eye, us guys appear as pushovers.  Spineless drones forced into a life serving the almighty diva fashionista.  I scoff at your naivety.  We have actually been channeling our inner Bruce Lee waiting for the right moment to strike.  That moment is now.

Time to take all of the notes - both mental and documented on our smartphones - and get to work pimping marketing your fashionista.  Get on Facebook.  Get on Twitter.  Create some business cards.  Contact publications and media outlets and businesses.  Tell everyone you know about your fashionista.  Send her to fashion shows.  Send her to grand openings.  Send her to fashion/beauty events.  Reach out to those store managers you took note of on your smartphone to tell them that your fashionista would love to help market their store announcements.

The Super Bowl will be here in a few weeks.  She will be busy for the next 9 months  Time to sit back and enjoy the game in peace, my friend.

Touche.

Session 2: She can buy you clothes now.  And alcohol.

Black Friday.  Cyber Monday.  The day after Christmas.  The 40% off sales event at Ann Taylor.  Your fashionista already knows about these discount events.  We (unfortunately) all know about these.  No need to dread these days as much anymore.  She's already so plugged in with department stores and boutiques and online outlets that she's getting discount codes and deals before the store owners even realize they have products to sell.  And to top it off, she's getting things at such great deals she doesn't have to spend your money!!

What else does this mean for you?  Not only does she pick up a purse, 3 pairs of shoes, 2 sweaters, a scarf, 5 tops, 2 skirts, and a 5-gallon bucketful of rings, necklaces, earrings, makeup and other crap accessories (anyone see a reason why you have no cupholders?) for herself, she is also buying you 2 sets of workout clothes and a nice winter coat that you've needed for 10 years.  Obviously there isn't quite the same balance in purchases, but hey, you've got no closet space anyways.

After spending 15 minutes loading up the car with all of said purchases, your dear, sweet fashionista turns to you and says, "There are several of my friends going out for dinner and drinks tonight.  Let's go with them."  Your head spins as the flashbacks of you stranded with a room full of fashionistas hit you wave after wave.  As your breathing returns to normal, you realize you've got this.  "Sure, babe.  But you're buying."

Touche.    
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You're welcome.  I accept Paypal.

Guest Post by The Photog: Life with a Fashionista - Day 4

Here we are yet again.  Needless to say, life with a fashionista is....interesting (remind me to tell you sometime why I use that word).  But you already know that.  Because those of you reading either are a fashionista or you're connected to one in some form or fashion (pun intended).

Let's recap where we've been so far.  Day 1 gave us no space.  Day 2 gave us whining.  Day 3 gave us acceptance.  Day 4 gives us the unexpected - hope.

I give you Day 4: It's Gonna Happen

Session 1: Stuck in a room of fashionistas

No guy wants to be in this situation.  An event or party or show or shopping or some sort of activity where it's not just your fashionista but a whole gaggle of them.  Chatting.  Texting.  Instagraming.  Pinning.  Admiring each others' clothes.  (And is it just me or do they all have to state a) where they bought the item and b) how much it cost?)  Is there a way to avoid this predicament?  Absolutely.  Should you avoid this predicament?  Not necessarily.  Let me explain.

Engaging in these social events with your fashionista (even though you're the only guy there) is a necessary evil.  She gets to frolic with others of her kind, practice a language no one else cares to understand, and build a network of other fashionistas.  I know, it really doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this situation at all, but you're dead wrong.  There is light at the end of this tunnel, gents.  And it's so bright, you'll need SPF 5000.

It's gonna happen.

Session 2: At least there's alcohol

The capstone event that became the foundation for this training session was very similar to the situation above.  Dinner was going to be several of our friends and colleagues to celebrate another's rather lucrative business venture.  Food and friends?  I'm game.  And then we get there.  

So there I am sitting at dinner with 8 women including my fashionista.  Are you kidding me?  Where are the guys?  Where are the bad jokes?  Where is the testosterone to balance out the sea of estrogen?  Sigh.  Nothing.  But there is a positive.  Because while your fashionista is engaged in idle banter with others of her kind, you can whip out your smartphone, play Angry Birds, and drink. May not seem that exciting, but this is a good thing!  You begin to realize as you sit there swigging on a good brew while watching the yellow bird fly across the screen that you are not being pulled into a conversation on the new Louis Vuitton collection or a vintage Chanel dress or (even worse) the myriad of items scored at the recent Ann Taylor sale.  No, my friends, your so called expert opinion doesn't matter.  And it is good.

It's gonna happen.

Session 3: Did I mention there's alcohol?


Back in the summer, my fashionista and I were graced with the opportunity to spend an afternoon with Crystal, another fashionista, visiting from California.  Had a great lunch at Tavern.  Took some photos.  And then the shopping started.  Hill Center Green Hills in Nashville has a lot of women's boutiques.  Hemline.  H. Audrey.  Monkee's.  And Posh.  Oh Posh.

The folks at Posh boutique are getting a Christmas card.  They know how to make a guy feel welcome.  Now keep in mind it was obvious I wasn't there looking for clothes of my own.  No, I was the guy trailing behind the two fashionistas in search of the perfect [insert article of clothing here].  The folks at Posh knew this.  They understood my situation.  And they greeted me with drink.  Not just once.  Not even twice.  But as many as I needed to make it through that afternoon.  Yes, folks, I got to sit back while my fashionista and her fashionista friend chatted and shopped and tried on clothes while I relaxed on a rather comfy couch with drink in hand crashing big red bird through stacks of timber on my smartphone.  The key to life with a fashionista was dangling in front of my face.  And then I had a thought...

It's gonna happen.

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Gentlemen, time to break out the shades, lather up the sunscreen, and head for the beach.  It's about to get bright up in here.

Guest Post by The Photog: Life with a Fashionista - Day 3

Over the past couple of weeks, I've provided two days of my abridged training program on Life with a Fashionista (Day 1 here; Day 2 here).  You might ask how any of my stories thus far can actually be considered training. Well, they aren't.  At least not on their own.  Today, we train.

For the gents reading this: I promise you will want to soak up the information on Days 3 and 4.  You will hate it.  You will resent me.  You will want to throw yourself off a building.  But TRUST ME.  You will need this information if you are to capitalize on Day 5.  And you WILL want to capitalize on Day 5.

So without further delay, Day 3: Acceptance without Assimilation*.

* - In other words, understanding them without becoming one of them.

Session 1: Basics of Fashionista Language

I'm a Southern guy.  I say "y'all," "fixin' to," and "over yonder".  Everyone knows what those words mean and how to use them in a sentence.  "Hey y'all, we're fixin' to go over yonder and have some dinner."  See what I mean.  You know exactly what I said.  Doesn't matter where you're from.  Southern = Universal language.  Why fashionistas cannot use Southern as their official language is beyond me.  Seriously.  You're not an elf in Middle Earth.  Speak English!

Sigh.

It's bad enough that women confuse everyone with words we already know (e.g. "You know what you did to piss me off." [note for all women that make this statement - no we don't!])  Fashionistas use some unknown, made-up crap to make things even worse.  They use words like "chic" (pronounced sheek - not chick), "obvi" (ob-vee), and "buh-nanas" (buh - [pause for 5 seconds] - nanas).  Several things wrong with these words: 1) no one knows what they mean; 2) apparently they can be used in many different ways; 3) can you say high maintenance? (see Day 1: Session 2)

How bad can it get?  Bad.  Real bad.  For example, there is one thing every guy needs to watch if only just one episode (and I can't believe I'm even recommending this...) - The Rachel Zoe Project.  I will tell you up front - you will be lost.  That's ok.  Understanding what is being said is not the goal (good thing, right?).  The key to session one is simply realizing that fashionistas add yet another layer of complexity to the otherwise already confusing world in which we live in.  Remember...

Acceptance without assimilation.

Session 2: How to not get Hurt

Shopping sucks.  It really does.  Don't care if it's for food, for clothes, at the store, online, whatever, whenever - shopping sucks.  But, alas, it's inevitable.  We can't starve.  For the fashionista, shopping is life.  Luckily, they don't even have to buy anything.  The act of shopping - also known as browsing - is just as vital.  (Pinterest, anyone?  I rest my case, Your Honor.)

There's a good chance the day will come when your fashionista will want you to go shopping with her.  Gents, this will be as painful for you to do as it is for your wife to birth a baby, but resist the urge to decline her offer. I know, I know.  It seems nothing good can come of this.  But I promise, there's an end-game.  So man up, grab your smartphone and go with her.

Smartphones.  Good for games.  Good for music.  Good for networking.  Also good for taking notes.  No, I would never ask you to document your entire shopping experience and all of your fashionista's wants/needs.  Ridiculous.  All I ask is that you note the names of the stores and, if you can swing it, the store managers.  Seems trivial now, but you will thank me later.  Let her relish the time with you and opportunity she's getting to be your guide.

Acceptance without assimilation.

Oh, and make sure you're wearing your Dr. Scholl's inserts.  You don't want to get hurt.

Session 3: Dodging the Bullet

Guys, we've all been there.  Caught in the trap.  Your fashionista just asked you a question.  Bam.  You feel like that deer you spotlighted at 3am.  Fret not, my friends, help is on the way.  I've got some tips and tricks to help you dodge those bullets.  You're welcome.

Bullet 1 - "Does this go together?"  Pleading ignorance here means you don't listen to/care about anything she says/does.  And if you can answer the question, you've been assimilated and there's no turning back for you anyways.  Instead, respond with "I love that color on you.  It really highlights how much weight you've lost."

Bullet 2 - "Does my hair look like I haven't washed it?"  Seems innocent, but this one can be tricky.  Saying yes means dinner plans just got delayed by two hours.  (I don't care if you're Bear Grylls himself - no man can last that long without food.  Just sayin')  Saying no means you don't care if she looks like a slob at dinner.  Instead, "I love that color on you.  It really highlights how much weight you've lost."

Bullet 3 - "Does this make me look fat?"  Do not answer this question.  Do not answer this question.  Do not answer this question.  Instead, channel your inner Neo.  "Did you see how big Rachel Zoe's son is getting?"  See what I did there?

Acceptance without assimilation.

Guest Post by The Photog: Life with a Fashionista - Day 2

Well.  I'm back.  What I learned from last week's post is that obviously what I experience on a daily basis is quite common.  Guess that means I'm not the only lucky guy sucker out there.  Sigh.

Before I begin today's lessons, I must tell you a funny story.  It was just the other day when my fashionista was walking across the room in what could only be described as some kind of rodeo clown getup (sweatshirt over nightgown over leggings with bright pink and orange socks).  I laughed.  Hard.  I got glared at too.

The Fashionista: Oh good, you can this as material for your blog post. 

Me: Hon, you really don't need to feed me any material for that.  I've got enough as it is.

And so the saga continues.  I welcome you to Day 2: Whining.

Session 1: "I have no clothes"

Several readers of Pencil Skirts & Lattes are mothers.  While I have no kids of my own, I often feel like I can relate to those that do.  But before I go down that road, let's take a trip down memory lane.  So to speak.

If you recall from Day 1, I have been challenged.  Challenged with a rather large closet and no space for my simple set of clothes.  There's no need to guess what occupies that space.  You all are just alike.  Every fashionista needs an exorbitant amount of clothes.  And shoes.  Can't forget the shoes.  While this seems like it  would make getting dressed in the morning that much easier (it's like shopping every morning!), apparently it has the opposite affect.

Back to my 'child.'  There she stands.  Gazing down an endless sea of silk, cashmere, cotton, and (let's be real) polyester.  Thousands upon thousands of fashion combinations.  And then I hear it.  "I have no clothes."  Are you kidding me?  Either she's looking in my drawer (I've recently branched out to 2, by the way.  Not sure what I'm going to put in there, though.), or her cataracts are acting up on her.  Surely she's not looking in the closet.  Actually, she isn't.  She doesn't have to.  Because every stitch of clothing this woman has is hanging on every door frame or strewn across the bed.  Where's the fashionista?  In the closet.  On the floor.  Like a 2 year old.

Whining.

Session 2: "I have no money for clothes"

Nashville is an amazing city.  It has all the small-town feel in a metropolitan area.  For the fashionista, it even has some amazing shopping.  Lots of boutiques that she loves like Posh, Blush, and Festivity as well as some more well-known stores like Nordstrom, Tory Burch, and Louis Vuitton.  A wide range to suit any designer preference.  Or so I thought.

I like travelling.  Love it, actually.  I've been to some amazing places.  Seen some amazing things.  Hell, drove from Houston to Nashville and back with no radio or music of any sort.  Just me and the open road.  So when the question came up - "Wanna go to Atlanta this weekend?"  "Sure," I said.  Why not?  I'm up for a good road trip.  I'll book the hotel now.  Oh wait.  The hotel has to be right by...the mall?  Whew.  Not the mall.  I'm sorry?  Did you just say TWO malls??  Yes, folks.  From the hotel room, you could see not just one but TWO rather large shopping malls.  No swimming with the dolphins on this beach excursion.  Instead, it was Jeffery, Saks, Intermix, Bloomingdales...  The prime steak dinners were the only things keeping me going after 11 straight hours of walking around two different malls searching for the right dress only to look at the price tag and hear that phrase (let's all say it together, kids) "I have no money for clothes."  But we didn't leave empty handed.  No way I was going to let that happen.  So she got a belt.  And (more) shoes.  And we went home.  Four more hours in the car.

Whining.

(and... proof of the '2 mall view' incident for your viewing pleasure. I know you like pictures.)


Session 3: "Buy me some clothes"

Jim Carrey cracks me up.  Seriously.  His stuff is gold.  Not sure what happened with Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, though.  Could have lived without that one.  But ya gotta give it to the guy.  Very unique comedy.  I mean, who doesn't think of Jim Carrey when they think of the Grinch?

We were out one sunny afternoon when my fashionista was doing what she does best - shop.  We had already enjoyed some delectable brisket tacos and some scrumptious cheesecake (if you haven't noticed by now, I expect great food if I'm going to endure any type of shopping).  Several stores later, I was carrying bags in each hand containing what had to be at least forty pounds of shoes.  Her bank account looked like it had gone a few rounds with Rocky Balboa.

I'm convinced Ann Taylor's marketing department has a whole division who's sole purpose it is to lure in my fashionista.  No matter how hard I tried and how far away we were from the sign, she still saw it.  40% Off Everything In The Store.  Her eyes lit up, and I knew my arms were about to feel pain like they had never felt before.  But she new the predicament she was in with her spending.  With a look of sheer desperation, she uttered the words "Buy me some clothes."  I suddenly felt like I was sitting in the movie theater all those years ago watching a classic Jim Carrey movie - Dumb and Dumber.  Only this time, Jim had it wrong.  Because there was my fashionista.  Making the most annoying sound in the world.

#Whining.
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Gents, we all know we're stuck in this situation.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel.  There is no rest for the weary.  But it doesn't mean we can't take advantage of it.  Next week:  Day 3: Acceptance Without Assimilation.

Guest Post by The Photog: Life with a Fashionista - Day 1

Don't know what I'm doing here or how I got roped into this, but I have been graciously conned asked into guest posting on PS&L.  Why?  We'll get to that in a minute.

A while back, several of us were out having dinner after work.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  Happens all the time.  Until I noticed I was the only guy at the table.  Mind you, it wasn't planned that way.  Yet it happened.  Me.  And eight women.  Lord have mercy.  There was food and there was drink.  I could deal with it.

The next morning, one of our friend's that attended dinner the night before mentioned something (as a joke, mostly) that had not crossed either Sarah's or my mind - I need to write about "life with a fashionista."  Pretty novel concept, I figured.  In that very instant, I had come up with not one, not two, but FIVE days worth of training material.  Oh yes - training material.  Five days worth of courses chock full of agenda items for how to deal with a fashionista that every guy needs to know.  Now here's the kicker - all of that material actually came from the events that had transpired within the previous 24 hours.  24 hours!  That's all it took to come up with 5 days of training material!!

So without further ado, I give you the abridged version of Day 1 - "What is going on here?"

Session 1:  Dealing with no closet space.

I'm a simple man.  I work in a corporate office with business professional attire.  Suit and tie.  Don't mind it either.  Keeps things simple.  A few suits.  A few shirts.  A few ties.  Voila.  Done.  Doesn't sound like much, right?  That's because it isn't.

You've all heard about the new loft.  It's nice.  Really nice.  The closet downstairs has two doors on it.  Walk in one side, go aaaaaaaaaaall the way down the closet and out the other side.  It's the length of the bedroom wall.  Not too shabby, right?  PLENTY of room, right?  (See where I'm going with this?)  Yeah, you guessed it.  No room for my few clothes in a closet 20' long.  So there I was.  Staring at a closet full of clothes.  And none of them were mine.  Seriously?  What is going on here?

Session 2:  Dealing with no money.

I am a firm believer that all fashionistas can be summed up in two words.  High.  Maintenance.  No, no.  Don't argue with me.  I don't care how calm, cool, and collected you think you are - you're still high maintenance.  (I hear that admitting there's a problem is the first step on the road to recovery, by the way...)

High maintenance.  And not just about buying clothes.  Not just about buying purses, or shoes, or makeup, or accessories or any of those high maintenance requirements either.  Oh no.  They're no fun just sitting in a closet.  You have to take them places.  What does this mean?  Means you go out.  You go out to dinner.  You go have some drinks.  You go do more shopping.  At the end of the day, you look in your wallet, shake your head, and realize the cobwebs have cobwebs.  Sigh.  What is going on here?

Session 3:  Dealing with no cup holders.

Cars nowadays are pretty darn sophisticated.  Talking GPS'.  Integrated bluetooth calling.  Airbags that keep you safer than a feather in a box of packing peanuts.  And cup holders.  I swear there are more cup holders in my car than hairs on my head.  Rarely does anyone actually use a cup holder for what it's intended though.  Cup holders become the catch-all for coins, trash, that french fry that fell out of the holes in the bottom of the french fry carton because they have yet to invent a freakin french fry carton that doesn't have holes in the bottom!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ahem.  Got a little carried away there.  What was I saying?  Oh yeah.  Cup holders.

I keep my cell phone in my pants pocket everywhere I go.  For only two reasons do I pull it out - when I'm using it, or when I'm sitting down.  Can't stand having my phone in my pocket when I'm sitting at my desk much less when I'm driving.  So what do I do with it?  I put it in the cup holder.  Only there is no available cup holder.  How can that be??  This car comes equipped with 500 of the things.  Surely I'm missing one.  Nope. They're taken.  Not by coins.  Not by trash.  Not even by that long lost french fry.  But by your fashionista.  Rings, earrings, bracelets, bangles, watches, sunglasses, makeup, shoes (yes, even shoes)... You have GOT to be kidding me.  What in the THUNDER is going on here??
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And that, my friends, concludes our training for Day 1.  So back to the original question - why this guest post?  Keep an eye out for Day 2: Whining.

Check out my Guest Post on Stripes & Sequins today!!

Today I have the pleasure of guest posting for Grace of Stripes & Sequins while she's in Europe!  Check out my post <here>.  While you're there, don't forget to check out the rest of Grace's amazing DIY projects... she is truly one of the most amazing and inspiring bloggers I know!!

Just a little preview of my outfit post for Stripes & Sequins...


Have a wonderful week, everyone!!